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秃公
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作者：秃公 在 寒山小径 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
BOX AND COX (鲍克斯和考克斯)
A Romance of Real Life (一房两租)
in One Act (一幕剧).
Written by John Maddison Morton, Esquire (莫尔顿绅士著).
1847(一八四七年)
*********
Dramatis Personae (剧中人)
JOHN BOX, a Journeyman Printer (约翰 鲍克斯，报业工)
JAMES COX, a Journeyman Hatter (詹姆斯 考克斯，帽匠工)
MRS. BOUNCER (潘恩啬， 女房东).
Box and Cox (鲍克斯和考克斯)
ACT I (第一幕)
SCENE I - A Room, decently furnished. At C., a bed with curtains closed,
at L. C., a door, at L, 3d E., a door, at L. S. E., a chest of drawers,
at back, R., a window, at R. 3d. E., a door, at R. S. E. , a fireplace with
mantle-piece, table and chairs, a few common ornaments on the chimney-piece.
COX, dressed with the exception of his coat, is looking at himself in a
small looking-glass, which is in his hand.
(布境：一个体面的房间的中间摆着一张被帘子围起来的床。左侧中间是一扇(衣柜
)门。左侧角落靠正面是另一扇大门。两门之间有个斗柜。右边有一窗户和一扇(衣
柜)门。右侧还有个壁炉。壁炉上方有个放小玩艺的小台。靠着壁炉有几把椅子和一
张桌子及一些常见的装饰品。 (注：东西在哪是猜的，不知道3d E是什么意思。请
补充)
Cox. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair cut
again! (His hair is very short.) I look as if I had just been cropped
for the militia! And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to
the hair-dresser, only to cut the ends off. He must have thought I meant
the other ends! Never mind - I shan't meet anybody to care about so early.
Eight o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment to lose. Fate has placed
me with the most punctual, particular and peremptory of hatters, and I must
fulfil my destiny. (Knock at L. D.) Open locks, whoever knocks!
考克斯：真他妈的这辈子我再也不要去理发了！(他的头发短极了)。我被剃成个当
兵的了。我一本正经，丝毫不差地跟那剪头匠说，只要把发端那么一点点剪掉就行
了。NND， 谁知道他以为我说的是头发的另一端！还好还好，一大早的我也不会去
见个啥人物的。我靠，八点了！再不能磨磨蹭蹭了。那些帽商已把我这个打工仔调
教成了个像钟表一样地准时，像绅士们那般讲究和像大法官榔头般的当机立断性格。
此乃苍天受我之意，务必履行。(左门敲响了，考克斯问也没问就把门给打开了)
Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L. (女房东潘恩啬从左门进入)
Mrs B. Good morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Mr. Cox?
潘恩啬：早安，考克斯先生。昨晚您睡得好吗？
Cox. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to you, if you could
accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one I have
seems to me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at each end,
and nothing whatever in the middle.
考克斯：我不能说是好，潘女士。我想我有义务告诉您，您是否能给我一个鼓鼓的
枕头。我现在的那个两头还有些羽毛什么的，但中间扁扁啥都没有。
Mrs B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox.
潘恩啬：我会给您个胖呼呼的好枕头，考克斯先生。
Cox. Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to hold this glass,
while I finish my toilet.
考克斯：多谢啦。还有，您能否帮我拿着这个镜子，我要整理一下。
Mrs B. Certainly. (Holding glass before COX, who ties his cravat.) Why,
I do declare, you've had your hair cut.
潘恩啬：好的。(把镜子举在考克斯前面。考克斯在打领带)。哇，恭喜恭喜，您剪
了头啦。
Cox. Cut? It strikes me I've had it moved! It's very kind of you to mention
it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my personal appearance
already. (Puts his coat on.) Now for my hat. (Puts on his hat, which
comes over his eyes.) That's the effect of having one's hair cut. This
hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily I've got two or three more.
(Goes in at L., and returns with three hats of different shapes, and puts
them on, one after the other - all of which are far too big for him.) This
is pleasant! Never mind. This one appears to me to wobble about rather
less than the others - (Puts on hat.) - and now I'm off! By the bye, Mrs
Bouncer, I wish to call your attention a fact that has been evident to me
for some time past - and that is, that my coals go remarkably fast -
考克斯：这叫剪头？岂有此理，简是把我弄成个秃子！不过我还是得感谢您提起那
头发，我已经不怕别人来笑我这付样子了。(穿上大衣)。戴上帽子。 (帽子戴上后，
把眼睛给遮住了)。这就是理发的结果。这帽子从来都是挺合适的。辛亏我还有两三
顶。(跑到左边的壁柜， 取出三顶帽子，一顶一顶地往头上试，通通都太大)。NND，
这下可好！糨就一下吧。这顶好像在头上没幌荡的那么厉害。(戴上了那顶)。嗯，
现在我可以走了。潘恩啬女士，在我说再见前，我想告知我已注意到好久了的一件
事。那就是：为什么我的媒球消失的那么快？
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox!
潘恩啬：考克斯先生，这可不是闹着玩的！
Cox. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've lately
observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my candles,
wood, sugar and lucifer matches.
考克斯：不单单是媒球，尊敬的潘恩啬女士。最近我发现我的蜡烛，木柴，糖和火
柴都没声没息地幔慢蒸发了。
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me!
潘恩啬：老天的，考克斯你不是在说我吧！
Cox. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly to understand,
that I don't believe it's the cat.
考克斯：我没说过是你。潘恩啬女士，我希望你能明潦，猫是干不了那事的。
Mrs B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about, sir?
潘恩啬：先生，您还有什么要唠叨的阿？
Cox. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as a dictionary?
考克斯：唠叨？潘恩啬女士，您有字典这东西吗？
Mrs B. No, sir.
潘恩啬：没有，先生。
Cox. Then I'll lend you one - and if you turn to the letter G. you'll find
"Grumble, verb neuter - to complain without a cause." Now that's not my
case, Mrs. B., and now that we are upon the subject. I wish to know how
it is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke?
考克斯：那我可以借给您。如果你翻到‘L’的那页，你就会发现‘唠叨’这词是中
性，也就是说可解释为无缘无故地发牢骚。我的可不是无缘无故，潘恩啬女士。即
然现在我们谈到此事，我想知道为什么我经常在房间里闻到一股烟味？
Mrs B. Why - I suppose the chimney -
潘恩啬：大慨是那烟囱吧。
Cox. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of tobacco smoke,
Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, you're not guilty of cheroots or Cubas?
考克斯：烟囱可不会抽烟卷。我是说那烟卷的烟味，潘恩啬女士。我希望，尊敬的
女士，您不会抽那方头的或古巴的雪茄烟。
Mrs B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox.
潘恩啬：当然不，考克斯先生。
Cox. Nor partial to a pipe?
考克斯：也不喜欢烟斗烟？
Mrs B. No, Sir.
潘恩啬：不， 先生。
Cox. Then, how is that -
考克斯：嗯，那是咋的？
Mrs B. Why - I suppose - yes - that must be it -
潘恩啬：是阿。我想啊，嗯，一定是...
Cox. At present I am entirely of your opinion - because I haven't the most
distant particle of an idea what you mean.
考克斯：到此为止，我只听你的， 因为我还不知道您要说什么。
Mrs B. Why the gentleman who has got the attics, is hardly ever without
a pipe in his mouth - and there he sits, with his feet upon the mantle-piece
-
潘恩啬：那个住在上面小搁楼的人，为什么老叼着根烟斗，坐在那里把他的脚高高
跷在壁炉上面的搁板上...
Cox. The mantle-piece! That strikes me as being a considerable stretch,
either of your imagination, Mrs. B., or the gentleman's legs. I presume
you mean the fender or the hob.
考克斯：跷在那搁板上！NND， 那可是不一般把腿伸伸够得到那地方，是那先生有
条超人的长腿还是你的想像力延伸得太远？我想您指是那脚搭在那壁炉的矮围边或
架子上吧。
Mrs B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well , there he sits for hours,
and puffs away into the fire-place.
潘恩啬：随便你怎么说。反正他一坐就是几个小时，不停地把烟雾往那壁炉里吐。
Cox. Ah, then you mean to say, that this gentleman's smoke, instead of
emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going up the chimney,
thinks proper to affect a singularity by taking the contrary direction?
考克斯：哦，您的意思是那烟雾没去模仿其它烟雾的走法，往烟囱的上方冒，却偏
要走与大家不同的方向，往下串？
Mrs B. Why -
潘恩啬：那为什么...(会有烟味)
Cox. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of, is the same individual
that I invariably meet coming up the stairs when I am going down, and going
down the stairs when I am coming up!
考克斯：如果是那个人造的孽，他一定是那我天天在楼梯上碰到的小子。我往下走
他就往上走，我往上走他就往下走！
Mrs B. Why - yes - I -
潘恩啬：是吗..嗯..我...
Cox. From the appearance of his outward man, I should unhesitatingly set
him down as a gentleman connected with the printing interest.
考克斯：看那小子一付向外表露的样子，我可以不加思索地认为他与报业有关。
Mrs B. Yes, sir - and a very respectable young gentleman he is.
潘恩啬：是的，先生...他是个令人尊敬的人。
Cox. Well, good morning, Mrs. Bouncer!
考克斯：潘恩啬，我该走啦。
Mrs B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir?
潘恩啬：先生，我想你会跟平常一样的时间回来吧？
Cox. Yes - nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in future, Mrs. B -
I'll do it myself. Don't forget the bolster! (Going, stops.) A halfpenny
worth of milk, Mrs. Bouncer - and be good enough to let it stand - I wish
the cream to accumulate.
考克斯：是的， 晚上九点。以后你不用去把火先点好。我自己会动手。别忘了给我
换个枕头。给我准备半个先令的牛奶，潘恩啬。我会感谢您如果您能把那牛奶瓶竖
着放。我希望上面凝结奶酪。
Exit at L.C. (考克斯从坐侧出去)
Mrs B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble for fear Mr.
Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out. Luckily, they've never met yet
- and what's more, they're not likely to do so; for Mr. Box is had at work
at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come home till the morning,
and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all day long, and doesn't come home till
night; so that I'm getting double rent for my room, and neither of my lodgers
is any the wiser for it. It was a capital idea of mine - that it was! But
I haven't an instant to lose. First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things
out of Mr. Box's way. (She takes the three hats, COX's dressing gown and
slippers, opens the door at L. and puts them in, then shuts the door and
locks it.) Now, then, to put the key where Mr. Cox always finds it. [Puts
the key on the ledge of the door, L..] I really must beg Mr. Box not to
smoke so much. I was so dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox
spoke about it. Now, then, to make the bed - and don't let me forget that
what's the head of the bed for Mr. Cox becomes the foot of the bed for Mr.
Box - people's tastes do differ so. (Goes behind the curtains of the bed,
and seems to be making it - then appears with a very thin bolster in her
hand.) The idea of Mr. Cox presuming to complain of such a bolster as this!
(She disappears again, behind curtains.)
潘恩啬：他终于走了！我坦白我真怕那鲍克斯在考克斯离开前回来。幸运的是他们
从没碰在过一起，他们也碰不到一快。鲍克斯整夜都在报社工作，一直到早上才回
来。考克斯一个白天都在做帽子，一直到晚上才回来。这样我一间房间就有双倍的
房租而且他们谁也不知道其中之奥妙。这是我赚钱的办发，妙也， 我一点时间都没
浪费掉。现在，让我把考克斯的东西藏起来 (她拿起三顶帽子，考克斯的睡服和拖
鞋，把左边的衣柜们打开，把东西放了进去。然后把门关上锁上)。 现在该是把鲍
克斯的钥匙放回原处 (她把钥匙挂回到门上，唠唠叨叨地自言自语：)。求求你那鲍
克斯先生，别再抽那么多烟啦。考克斯问起那烟味时我真不知道怎么样才能蒙骗过
关。 现在该是整理床铺了。他们两个一个睡那头一个睡这头，千万要记住不要把床
头床尾给弄反了。(她走到床廉里面，做出整理床铺的模样。然后钻出来手里拿着个
非常薄的枕头)。这就是考克斯说的那个枕头！(她又钻到床廉里边去了)
Box. (Without.) Pooh - pooh! Why don't you keep your own side of the
staircase, sir? (Enters at back, dressed as a Printer. Puts his head out
at door again, shouting.) It was as much your fault as mine , sir! I say,
sir - it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
Mrs B. (Emerging from behind the curtains of the bed.) Lor, Mr. Box! what
is the matter?
Box. Mind your own business, Bouncer!
Mrs B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in to be sure! I declare
you're quite pale in the face!
Box. What colour would you have a man to be, who has been setting up long
leaders for a daily paper all night?
Mrs B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself.
Box. (Looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER..) So it seems! Far be it
from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to acquaint
you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my garments, and
going to bed.
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box. (Going.)
Box. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably encounter
going down stairs when I'm coming up, and coming up stairs when I'm going
down?
Mrs B. (Confused.) Oh - yes - the gentleman in the attic, sir.
Box. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his
hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats - white hats and black hats - hats
with broad brims, and hats with narrow brims, - hats with naps, and hats
without naps - in short, I have come to the conclusion that he must be individually
and professionally associated with the hatting interest.
Mrs B. Yes, sir. And by the bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to request you,
as a particular favour, that you would not smoke quite so much.
Box. Does he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my compliments,
that if he objects to the effluvia of tobacco, he had better domesticate
himself in some adjoining parish.
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive me of a lodger? (Pathetically.
Box. It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer, because if I detect
the slightest attempt to put my pipe out, I at once give you warning that
I shall give you warning at once.
Mrs B. Well, Mr. Box - do you want anything more of me?
Box. On the contrary - I've had quite enough of you!
Mrs B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder?
Goes out at L.C.., slamming door after her.
Box. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to get rid of
that venerable female! She knows I'm up all night, and yet she seems to
set her face against my indulging in a horizontal position by day. Now,
let me see - shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or shall
I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap - I mean, shall I swallow my
nap before - no - never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon somewhere - (Feeling
in his pockets.) - I've the most distinct and vivid recollection of having
purchased a rasher of bacon - Oh, here it is - (Produces it, wrapped in
paper, and places it on table.) - and a penny roll. The next thing is to
light the fire. Where are my lucifers? (Looking on mantle-piece R., and
taking box, opens it.) Now, 'pon my life, this is too bad of Bouncer -
this is, by several degrees, too bad! I had a whole box full, three days
ago, and now there's only one! I'm perfectly aware that she purloins my
coals and my candles and my sugar - but I did think - oh, yes, I did think
that my lucifers would be sacred! (Takes candlestick off the mantle-piece,
R., in which there is a very small end of candle - looks at it.) Now I
should like to ask any unprejudiced person or persons their opinion touching
this candle. In the first place, a candle is an article that I don't require
because I'm only at home in the day time - and I bought this candle on the
first of May - Chimney-sweepers' Day - calculating that it would last me
three months, and here's one week not half over, and the candle three parts
gone! (Lights the fire - takes down the gridiron, which is hanging over
the fireplace, R.) Mrs. Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article
of consumption that I cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is powerfully
impregnated with the odour of red herrings! (Places gridiron on fire, and
then, with fork, lays rasher of bacon on the gridiron.) How sleepy I am,
to be sure! I'd indulge myself with a nap, if there was anybody here to
superintend the turning of my bacon. (Yawning again.) Perhaps it
will turn itself. I must lie down - so, here goes. [Lies on the bed, closing
the curtains round him - after a short pause -
Enter COX, hurriedly, L.C..
Cox. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes
and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of considerable
excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme benevolence
on his aged countenance, said to me - "Cox, I shan't want you to-day - you
can have a holiday." - Thoughts of "Gravesend and back - fare, One Shilling,"
instantly suggested themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich
for Fourpence!" Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats
- in short, I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first
- that'll give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton chop, so I shan't
want any dinner. (Puts chop on table.) Good gracious! I forgot the bread.
Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come that's lucky! Now, then,
to light the fire. Holloa - (seeing the lucifer-box on table.) - who presumes
to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I left one in it - I'll take
my oath I did. Hey dey! why, the fire is lighted! Where's the gridiron?
On the fire, I declare! And what's that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is!
Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings
that's almost amusing. She takes my last lucifer - my coals, and my gridiron
to cook her breakfast by! No, no - I can't stand this! Come out of that!
(Pokes fork into bacon and puts it on a plate on the table, then places
his chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire.) Now, then, for my
breakfast things. (Taking key hung up, L. opens door L. and goes out, slamming
the door after him, with a loud noise.)
Box. (Suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains.) Come in! if
it's you Mrs. Bouncer - you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long I've been
asleep? (Suddenly recollecting.) Goodness gracious - my bacon! (Leaps
off bed and runs to fireplace.) Holloa! what's this? A chop! Whose chop?
Mrs. Bouncer's I'll be bound - she thought to cook her breakfast while
I was asleep - with my coals, too - and my gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's
my bacon? (Seeing it on table.) Here it is. Well, 'pon my life, Bouncer's
going it! And shall I curb my indignation? Shall I falter in my vengeance?
No! (Digs the fork into the chop, opens window, throws chop out - shuts
window again.) So much for Bouncer's breakfast, and now for my own! (With
the fork he puts the bacon on the gridiron again.) I may as well lay my
breakfast things. - (Goes to mantle piece at R., takes key out of one of
the ornaments, opens door at R. and exit, slamming door after him.)
Cox. (Putting his head in quickly at L.) Come in - come in! (Opens door
L. C. Enters with a small tray on which are tea things, &c., which he places
on drawers, L. and suddenly recollects.) Oh, goodness! my chop! (Running
to fireplace.) Holloa - what's? The bacon again! Oh - pooh! Zounds - confound
it - dash it - damn it - I can't stand this! (Pokes fork into bacon, opens
window, and flings it out, shuts window again, returns to drawers for tea
things, and encounters BOX coming from his cupboard with his tea things
- they walk down C. of stage together.) Who are you, sir?
Box. If you come to that - who are you?
Cox. What do you want here, sir?
Box. If you come to that - what do you want?
Cox. (Aside.) It's the printer! [Puts tea things on the drawers.
Box. (Aside.) It's the hatter! [Puts tea things on table.
Cox. Go to your attic, sir -
Box. My attic, sir? Your attic, sir!
Cox. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you don't instantly
leave my apartment.
Box. Your apartment? You mean my apartment, you contemptible hatter, you.
Cox. Your apartment? Ha! ha! - come, I like that! Look here, sir - (Produces
a paper out of his pocket.) Mrs. Bouncer's receipt for the last week's
rent, sir -
Box. (Produces a paper, and holds it close to COX's face.) Ditto, sir!
Cox. (Suddenly shouting.) Thieves!
Box. Murder!
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! [Each runs to the door, L. C., calling.
MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door L. C.
Mrs B. What is the matter? (COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by the arm,
and drag her forward.)
Box. Instantly remove that hatter!
Cox. Immediately turn out that printer!
Mrs B. Well - but, gentlemen -
Cox. Explain! [Pulling her round to him.
Box. Explain! (Pulling her round to him.) Whose room is this?
Cox. Yes, woman - whose room is this?
Box. Doesn't it belong to me?
Mrs B. No!
Cox. There! You hear, sir - it belongs to me!
Mrs B. No - it belongs to both of you! [Sobbing.
Both. Both of us?
Mrs B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry - but you see, this gentleman
- (Pointing to BOX.) - only being at home in the day time, and that gentleman
- (Pointing to COX.) - at night, I thought I might venture, until my little
back second floor room was ready -
Both. (Eagerly.) When will your little back second floor room be ready?
Mrs B. Why, to-morrow -
Cox. I'll take it!
Box. So will I!
Mrs B. Excuse me - but if you both take it, you may just as well stop where
you are.
Both. True.
Cox. I spoke first, sir-
Box. With all my heart, sir. The little back second floor room is yours,
sir - now, go - Cox. Go? Pooh - pooh!
Mrs B. Now, don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to be a partition
here - Both. Then, put it up!
Mrs B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this very day.
Now do keep your tempers.
Exit, L.
Cox. What a disgusting position! [Walking rapidly round stage.
Box. (Sitting down on chair, at one side of table, and following COX's
movements.) Will you allow me to observe, if you have not had any exercise
to-day, you'd better go out and take it.
Cox. I shall do nothing of the sort, sir. [Seating himself at the table
opposite BOX.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent you from going out.
Box. Don't flatter yourself, sir. (COX is about to break a piece of the
roll off.) Holloa! that's my roll, sir - (Snatches it away - puts a pipe
in his mouth, lights it with a piece of tinder - and puffs smoke across
to COX.)
Cox. Holloa! What are you about, sir?
Box. What am I about? I'm about to smoke.
Cox. Wheugh! [Goes and opens window at BOX's back.
Box. Hollo! (Turns round.) Put down that window, sir!
Cox. Then put your pipe out, sir!
Box. There! [Puts pipe on table.
Cox. There! [Slams down window, and re-seats himself.
Box. I shall retire to my pillow. (Goes up, takes off his jacket, then
goes towards the bed, and sits down upon it, L. C.)
Cox. (Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down R. of BOX.) I beg your pardon,
sir - I cannot allow anyone to rumple my bed. (Both rising.)
Box. Your bed? Hark ye, sir - can you fight?
Cox. No, sir.
Box. No? Then come on -
Cox. Sit down, sir - or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"
Box. (Seats himself. COX does the same.) I say, sir -
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. Although we are doomed to share the same room for a few hours
longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting each other's throats,
sir.
Cox. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object
to.
Box. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.
Cox. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.
Box. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.
Cox. Entirely, sir. [Gradually approaching chairs.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir! (Pause.)
Box. Take a bit of roll, sir?
Cox. Thank ye, sir. (Breaking a bit off. Pause.)
Box. Do you sing, sir?
Cox. I sometimes join in a chorus.
Box. Then give us a chorus. (Pause.) Have you seen the Bosjemans,
sir?
Cox. No, sir - my wife wouldn't let me.
Box. Your wife!
Cox. That is - my intended wife.
Box. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you. (Shaking hands.)
Cox. (With a deep sigh.) Thank ye. (Seeing BOX about to get up.)
You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't come here.
Box. Oh, I understand. You've got a snug little establishment of your
own here - on the sly - cunning dog - (Nudging COX.)
Cox. (Drawing himself up.) No such thing, sir - I repeat, sir - no
such thing, sir, but my wife - I mean, my intended wife - happens to be
the proprietor of a considerable number of bathing machines -
Box. (Suddenly.) Ha! Where? (Grasping COX's arm.)
Cox. At a favourite watering-place. How curious you are!
Box. Not at all. Well?
Cox. Consequently, in the bathing season - which luckily is rather
a long one - we see but little of each other; but as that is now over, I
am daily indulging in the expectation of being blessed with the sight of
my beloved. (Very seriously.) Are you married?
Box. Me? Why - not exactly!
Cox. Ah - a happy bachelor!
Box. Why - not precisely!
Cox. Oh! a widower?
Box. No - not absolutely!
Cox. You'll excuse me, sir - but, at present I don't exactly understand
how you can help being one of the three.
Box. Not help it?
Cox. No, sir - not you, nor any other man alive!
Box. Ah that may be - but I'm not alive!
Cox. (Pushing back his chair.) You'll excuse me, sir - but I don't
like joking upon such subjects.
Box. But I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last
three years!
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
Box. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large, numerous,
and respectable circle of disconsolate friends.
Cox. My dear sir - my very dear sir - if there does exist any ingenious
contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony can leave this
world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it.
Box. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being frantically
attached to your intended?
Cox. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware of one obstacle
to doting upon her, and that is, that I can't abide her!
Box. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.
Cox. (Eagerly.) I will! What was it?
Box. Drown yourself!
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
Box. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to captivate
a affections of the still blooming, though somewhat middle-aged widow, at
Ramsgate.
Cox. (Aside.) Singular enough! Just my case three months ago at Margate.
Box. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the determination
of enlisting in the Blues, or Life Guards.
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. How very odd!
Box. But they wouldn't have me - they actually had the effrontery to
say that I was too short -
Cox. (Aside.) And I wasn't tall enough!
Box. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching regiment -
I enlisted!
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. Singular coincidence!
Box. I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it.
Cox. (Aside.) So was I.
Box. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge, on condition
that I'd lead her to the alter.
Cox. (Aside.) Just my case!
Box. I hesitated - at last I consented.
Cox. (Aside.) I consented at once!
Box. Well, sir - the day fixed for the happy ceremony at length drew
near - in fact, too near to be pleasant - so I suddenly discovered that
I wasn't worthy to possess her, and I told her so - when, instead of being
flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of the female
gender - I rejoined - when suddenly something whizzed past me, within an
inch of my ear, and shivered into a thousand fragments against the mantle-piece
- it was the slop-basin. I retaliated with a tea cup - we parted, and the
next morning I was served with a notice of action for breach of promise.
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. Well, sir - ruin stared me in the face - the action proceeded
against me with gigantic strides - I took a desperate resolution - I left
my home early one morning, with one suit of clothes on my back, and another
tied up in a bundle, under my arm - I arrived on the cliffs - opened my
bundle - deposited the suit of clothes on the very verge of the precipice
- took one look into the yawning gulph beneath me, and walked off in the
opposite direction.
Cox. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your
meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared - the suit of clothes was
found -
Box. Exactly - and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat,
or the pantaloons - I forget which - there was also found a piece of paper,
with these affecting farewell words: "This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!"
Cox. Penelope Ann! (Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and leads him
slowly to front of stage.) Penelope Ann?
Box. Penelope Ann!
Cox. Originally widow of William Wiggins?
Box. Widow of William Wiggins!
Cox. Proprietor of bathing machines?
Box. Proprietor of bathing machines!
Cox. At Margate?
Box. And Ramsgate!
Cox. It must be she! And you, sir - you are Box - the lamented, long
lost Box!
Box. I am!
Cox. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly
deceived.
Box. Ha! then you are Cox?
Cox. I am!
Box. I heard of it. I congratulate you - I give you joy! And now,
I think I'll go and take a stroll. [Going.
Cox. No, you don't! (Stopping him.) I'll not lose sight of you till
I've restored you to the arms of your intended.
Box. My intended? You mean your intended.
Cox. No, sir - yours!
Box. How can she be my intended, now that I'm drowned?
Cox. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to Penelope
Ann.
Box. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.
Cox. My intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to her first!
Box. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you popped
the question afterwards.
Cox. Very well, sir!
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit me, then,
to follow the generous impulse of my nature - I give her up to you.
Box. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world! (Going.)
Good morning, sir!
Cox. (Seizing him.) Stop!
Box. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the
lion!
Cox. Pooh! (Snapping his fingers close to BOXós face.)
Box. An insult! to my very face - under my very nose! (Rubbing it.)
You know the consequences, sir - instant satisfaction, sir!
Cox. With all my heart, sir! (They go to the fire-place, R., and begin
ringing bells violently, and pull down bell-pulls.)
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!
MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C.
Mrs B. What is it, gentlemen?
Box. Pistols for two!
Mrs B. Yes, sir. [Going.
Cox. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent woman,
that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house?
Mrs B. Oh, no - they're not loaded
Cox. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!
Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C.
Box. I say, sir!
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. What's your opinion of duelling, sir?
Cox. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.
Box. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it when the
pistols are not loaded.
Cox. No: I dare say that does make a difference.
Box. And yet, sir - on the other hand - doesn't it strike you as rather
a waste of time, for two people to keep firing pistols at another, with
nothing in 'em?
Cox. No, sir - no more than any other harmless recreation.
Box. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?
Cox. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her. You'll
be happy with her.
Box. Happy? Me! With the consciousness that I have deprived you of
such a treasure? No, no, Cox!
Cox. Don't think of me, Box - I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the
knowledge of my Box's happiness.
Box. Don't be absurd, sir!
Cox. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!
Box. I won't have her!
Cox. I won't have her!
Box. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady - eh, Mr. Cox?
Cox. That's fair enough Mr. Box.
Box. Or, what say you to dice?
Cox. With all my heart! Dice, by all means. [Eagerly.
Box. (Aside.) That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here
yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and
as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones. [Goes to the cupboard
at R., and brings out the dice-box.
Cox. (Aside.) I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound,
seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly looking
man, who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes; I suspected they were
loaded, so I gave him another halfcrown, and he gave me the dice.
Takes dice out of his pocket - uses lucifer box as substitute for dice-box,
which is on table.
Box. Now then, sir!
Cox. I'm ready, sir! (They seat themselves at opposite sides of the
table.) Will you lead off, sir?
Box. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope
Ann?
Cox. Of course, sir.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir!
Box. (Rattling dice and throwing.) Sixes!
Cox. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. (Rattling dice - throws.)
Sixes!
Box. That's a pretty good one of yours, sir. (Throws.) Sixes!
Cox. (Throws.) Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.
Cox. Yours seem pretty good ones, sir.
Box. Suppose we change?
Cox. Very well, sir. [They change dice.
Box. (Throwing.) Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. (Flings down the dice.) Pooh! It's perfectly absurd, your going
on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir!
Cox. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!
Box. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss for Penelope
Ann?
Cox. The very thing I was going to propose!
They each turn aside and take out a handful of money.
Box. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my tossing shilling? Here
it is! [Selecting coin.
Cox. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my lucky sixpence? I've got
it!
Box. Now then, sir - heads win?
Cox. Or tails lose - whichever you prefer.
Box. It's the same to me, sir.
Cox. Very well, sir. Heads, I win, - tails, you lose.
Box. Yes - (Suddenly.) no. Heads win, sir.
Cox. Very well - go on! [They are standing opposite each other.
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?
Cox. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an occasional
tail, sir?
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me - (Taking COX's sixpence.)
Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!
Cox. (Seizing BOX's shilling.) And your shilling has got two heads,
sir!
Box. Cheat!
Cox. Swindler! [They are about to rush upon each other, then retreat
to some distance, and commence sparring, and striking fiercely at one another.
Enter MRS. BOUNCER L. H. C.
Box. & Cox. Is the little back second floor room ready?
Mrs B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I have
bought you a letter - It came by the General Post yesterday. I'm sure I
don't know how I forgot it, for I put it carefully in my pocket.
Cox. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?
Mrs B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. (Going.) By the
bye, I paid twopence for it.
Cox. Did you? Then I do forgive you. (Exit MRS. BOUNCER. Looking
at letter.) "Margate." The post-mark decidedly says "Margate."
Box. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.
Cox. Then read it, sir. (Handing letter to BOX.)
Box. Me, sir?
Cox. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a letter from
your intended?
Box. My intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you - C.O.X.
Cox. Do you think that's a C.? It looks like a B.!
Box. Nonsense! Fracture the seal!
Cox. (Opens letter - starts.) Goodness gracious!
Box. (Snatches letter - starts.) Gracious, goodness!
Cox. (Taking letter again.) "Margate - May the 4th. Sir, - I hasten
to convey to you the intelligence of a melancholy accident, which has bereft
you of your intended wife. He means your intended!
Box. No, yours! However, it's perfectly immaterial - but she unquestionably
was yours.
Cox. How can that be? You proposed to her first!
Box. Yes, but then you - now don't let us begin again - Go on.
Cox. (Resuming letter.) "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short excursion
in a sailing boat - a sudden and violent squall soon after took place, which
it is supposed, upset her, as she was found, two days afterwards, keel upwards.
"
Box. Poor woman!
Cox. The boat, sir! (Reading.) "As her man of business, I immediately
proceeded to examine her papers, amongst which I soon discovered her will;
the following extract from which will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory
to you. 'I hereby bequeath my entire property to my intended husband.'"
Excellent, but unhappy creature! (Affected.)
Box. Generous, ill-fated being! (Affected.)
Cox. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!
Box. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of
a die!
Cox. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for your sympathy.
Box. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she had been
your own intended!
Cox. If she'd been my own intended? She was my own intended!
Box. Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very properly observe
just now, sir, that I proposed to her first?
Cox. To which you very sensibly replied that you'd come to an untimely
end.
Box. I deny it!
Cox. I say you have!
Box. The fortune's mine!
Cox. Mine!
Box. I'll have it!
Cox. So will I!
Box. I'll go to law!
Cox. So will I!
Box. Stop - a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the
property, suppose we divide it?
Cox. Equally?
Box. Equally. I'll take two thirds.
Cox. That's fair enough - and I'll take three fourths.
Box. That won't do. Half and half!
Cox. Agreed! There's my hand upon it -
Box. And mine. (About to shake hands - a Postman's knock heard at
street door.)
Cox. Holloa! Postman again!
Box. Postman yesterday - postman today.
Enter MRS. BOUNCER.
Mrs B. Another letter, Mr. Cox - twopence more!
Cox. I forgive you again! (Taking letter.) Another trifle from Margate.
(Opens the letter - starts.) Goodness gracious!
Box. (Snatching letter - starts.) Gracious goodness!
Cox. (Snatching letter again - reads.) "Happy to inform you - false
alarm"-
Box. (Overlooking.) "Sudden squall - boat upset - Mrs. Wiggins your
intended"-
Cox. "Picked up by a steamboat"-
Box. "Carried into Boulogne"-
Cox. "Returned here this morning"-
Box. "Will start by early train, to-morrow"-
Cox. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact."
Both simultaneously pull out their watches.
Box. Cox, I congratulate you -
Cox. Box, I give you joy!
Box. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial Office
will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and your
intended. Good morning! [Going.
Cox. (Stopping him.) It's obviously for me to retire - Not for worlds
would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your intended. Good
morning!
Box. You'll excuse me, sir - but our last arrangement was, that she
was your intended.
Cox. No, yours!
Box. Yours!
Together. Yours! [Ten o'clock strikes - noise of an omnibus.
Box. Ha! What's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! (Running to
the window.) No - it's a twopenny omnibus!
Cox. (Leaning over BOX's shoulder.) A lady's got out -
Box. There's no mistaking that majestic person - it's Penelope Ann!
Cox. Your intended!
Box. Yours!
Cox. Yours! (Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen.)
Box. Hark - she's coming up stairs!
Cox. Shut the door!
They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their backs.
Mrs B. (Without, and knocking.) Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!
Cox. (Shouting.) I've just stepped out!
Box. So have I!
Mrs B. Mr. Cox. (Pushing at the door - COX and BOX redouble their
efforts to keep the door shut.) Open the door. It's only me - Mrs. Bouncer!
Cox. Only you? Then where's the lady?
Mrs B. Gone!
Cox. Upon your honour?
Box. As a gentleman?
Mrs B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.
Cox. Give it to me!
Mrs B. Then open the door!
Cox. Put it under! (Letter is put under the door; COX picks up the
letter and opens it.) Goodness gracious!
Box. (Snatching letter.) Gracious goodness! (COX snatches the letter,
and runs forward, followed by BOX.)
Cox. (Reading.) "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candour"-
Box. (Looking over and reading.) "But being convinced that our feelings,
like our ages, do not reciprocate"-
Cox. "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"-
Box. "With Mr. Knox."
Cox. Huzza!
Box. Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!
Tosses letter in the air, and begins dancing. Cox does the same.
Mrs B. (Putting her head in at door.) The little second floor back
room is ready!
Cox. I don't want it!
Box. No more do I!
Cox. What shall part us?
Box. What shall tear us asunder?
Cox. Box!
Box. Cox! (About to embrace - BOX stops, seizes COX's hand, and looks
eagerly in his face.) You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark,
but the more I gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced that you're
my long lost brother.
Cox. The very observation I was going to make to you!
Box. Ah - tell me - in mercy tell me - have you such a thing as a strawberry
mark on your left arm?
Cox. No!
Box. Then it is he! [They rush into each other's arms.
Cox. Of course we stop where we are!
Box. Of course!
Cox. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this house.
Box. So am I - I begin to feel quite at home in it.
Cox. Everything so clean and comfortable -
Box. And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen of her,
is very anxious to please.
Cox. So she is - and I vote, Box, that we stick by her.
Box. Agreed! There's my hand upon it - join but your's - agree the
house is big enough to hold us both. Then Box -
Cox. And Cox -
Both. Are satisfied! [The Curtain falls.
作者：秃公 在 寒山小径 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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