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 Another lesson for my dear 9th sister |
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芦笛
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加入时间: 2004/02/14
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作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
I start to enjoy writing in this English corner. As I have told people, the secret that I have survived the unparalleled and unprecedented savage attacks and insults, which dwarf what Lu Xun had gone through, is that I do not read those libeling posters at all. On the other hand, when I fight back, those who hate me are obsessed to read every word I have written. They are too stupid to realize that an insult hurts only if the victim receives it. Prof Fan once pointed out, quite correctly, that I was not afraid of the "web war". But the reason for this is not that I do not have a moral baseline as he libeled. Rather, it is because my opponents are no match to me both intellectually and morally. That is why I do not have the least desire to read their junk, whilst they could not help swallowing eagerly every word I mutter.
In this sense, our Brilliant Leader (guangming lingxiu) Comrade Gao Han is much smarter than others. Knowing that I would never read his great works, he always managed to swear at me, using the folly language that only lorry drivers are fond of, in the subject lines. He was really smart, thanks to the strategy and tactics he had learnt from Great Helmsman, for I could not avoid reading titles.
Now the situation is even more amusing---I can only read English. So it has become kind of like one-way traffic. I can hit anyone at will, but receive no retaliation, for they are too cowardly to fight back in their shitty English in case they make themselves a perpetual laughing stock.
This is what has happened to my dearest 9th sister. Not only once, but a few times, did he firmly believe that he had seized a precious chance to teach me a lesson. Unfortunately, what he has achieved is making a fool of himself in the process. Of all the jokes, the funniest one was that "the only wise thing to do is to do sth, do sth and do sth". According to him, it should be "the only wise THINGS to do ARE".
It is very unfortunate my little 9th sister caught meningitis when she was pretty young and that was why her cerebral capacity is so small. She has forgotten English ABC she had learnt at school, especially sentences like this:
"All my little 9th sister will have to do IS go back to kindergarten, sit down and try to learn some common sense that even a child is aware of."
"What Brilliant Leader can possibly achieve IS seizing the power, plunging the country into the sea of blood and dragging China back to the dark ages."
Actually, I've come here not to ridicule my lovely little sister, but to teach her a basic English lesson. I just want to tell her that, like any other language, English is by no means logical. So I am afraid you'll have to get rid of your rigid lawyer habit and try to learn some living English, ie, illogical English.
To tell you the truth, I am fond of teasing my colleagues by asking them language questions like this:
"Please tell me how to pronounce 'e-a-r'." I demanded.
"Ear", they replied.
"Now add a 'B' before the word, how do you pronounce it now?"
"Bear."
"Now add a 'D' at the end, what does it become?"
"Beard."
"Now replace the letter 'B' with 'H', how does it sound now?"
"Heard. Oh, weird! I have never noticed these words share so much but sound so different! You are really funny, Flute!"
I also enjoy asking them another question.
"Merciless means 'no mercy', whilst merciful means full of mercy, is that right?" I asked
"Yes," they replied.
"But what about 'ruthless'? What is 'ruth' then? As far as I know, it's just a girl's name that has nothing to do with 'mercy'."
They could not say anything except exclaiming this was really interesting. Again, they had never noticed it.
Sometimes it was yet another question:
"You can say, 'to a less degree' . You can also say, 'to a lesser degree'. Which one is less then, can you tell me?"
Or:
"As far as I understand, 'valuable' refers to something of great value. The funny thing is that 'invaluable' should refer to something of no value, but in fact, it is something even more valuable!"
and then:
"OK, I perfectly understand your explanation: invaluable mans something too precious to be valued. But what about 'valueless'? It refers to something of no value, right? Then we have 'priceless' , which means something so precious that its price cannot be determined. So why don't you create a word of 'inpriceable' ?"
My dear sister, I can teach you more funny questions like these next week. Trust me, I have loads of them which are extremely useful in social intercourse. I am sure using them on proper occasions will make you much more welcome to those ocean devils. The only doubt I have in mind is whether you have any chance of meeting those devils at all. In my imagination, you are only a second-rate lawyer specializing in immigration affairs with all your clients being Chinese, and that is why your English is so shitty.
Forgive me, sis. I am not revealing your identity here, just to show off my intuition which is even sharper than women's. The most important lesson I want to teach you today, however, is just one sentence:
Never, ever, try to teach someone who is much, much more brilliant and knowledgeable than yourself, otherwise you will end up making a fool of yourself.
Sadly, this is the common fate that all those "eggs" have suffered. While they were bumping me with their feeble bodies, they were under the delusion what they would encounter was not a rock, but something weaker than them. Thus, they tried to mock someone who is one thousand times wittier than them, tried to beat someone logically who is ten thousand times sharper than them. This way, they committed suicide one by one. I did not "assassinate" them, they killed their own credibility as an adult with an average brain by vividly exhibiting the incredible stupidity and sheer chaos in their brains.
So 9th Sis, let me give you some advice: if you want to harass me, try to avoid the intellectual approach, use the "moral" attacks like others. That is the only place where your pitiful hope hangs.
作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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