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 9th Sis, smart ass, here I come to your rescue |
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芦笛
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加入时间: 2004/02/14
文章: 31803
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作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
Don't panic, please.
I should apologize for not being smart enough. Indeed, the day before yesterday, you fell on your knees, kowtowed non-stop and begged me humbly, pitifully and tearfully:
"Lu Di, pull out my stake, please
because it tortures me, if I do not try my best to comfort it.
It simply absorbs my wealth.
So, I beg you.
Do it. "
Because your English was too smart for me, I failed to understand how a person could possibly "comfort" a stake or a torture. As far as I understand, he can only try to get rid of it or escape from it. Now you were asking me to help you "comfort" something without a life!
To be honest, this task was far beyond my wildest imagination, not to mention that your stake looked like sponge as well, for it could "absorb" your wealth. This, I must say, was the weirdest bit of your story. You see, your painful cry sounded as if you had been a vampire with the heart punctured by a bloody stake, begging me to save you by pulling it out. But as everyone knows, a sponge stake can never pierce the breast of a vampire, let alone killing it.
So I was really baffled. Sorry darling, I was indeed not smart enough to comprehend your outstanding English. It was simply too smart for me (or for any other person with the minimal sanity for that matter). That was why I agreed with Wacky, reckoning your were too stupid to have any stake or any human sense such as conscience.
Thanks to your coaching, though, a moment ago, the truth shrouded in the fog finally downed on me. I now understand what your problem is. You do have a stake, that is, you want to be famous so badly. Very unfortunately, your intelligence simply doesn't match your ambition. That is what has been torturing you all along, isn't it?
Now I start to see your dilemma. Day and night, you are tortured by the abundance of ambition mixed with the sheer lack of the least talent. I must say this is a really awful situation. The tremendous sense of frustrations welling up in your heart must be even worse than a retired world boxing champion who has caught a stroke and has become paralyzed as the result.
In this situation, your best bet is to draw my attention as much as possible. If I can beat you like I beat some other people, you would become reasonably famous. It would be even better if I could "invite a few people to badmouth" you, who is supposed to be "one of my criticizers" (critics?). If this dream of yours came true, then you would definitely become a real celebrity across the web.
Dear Sis, is this your dream? If so, why has it become your stake? Again, you were too intelligent for me to see through. After long pondering, I finally figured it out. The reason was dead simple: my leaving symbolized the bankruptcy of your strategic plan. While I am leaving, I take away with me your lifelong dream as well. That is why you were bound to cry out, begging me tearfully to beat you so badly that people could finally notice you. You were indeed smart enough to let out the desperate cry at the very last moment.
Well, Sis, my darling, you are really smart, much, much smarter than me (or than any other person with the minimal sanity for that matter). Given such smartness, I will have not choice but to help you pull out the stake.
Now Sis, as I said before, your stake is the sharp contrast between your great ambition and your astonishing ineptitude. The bizarre mixture of the both has been torturing you, consuming your health and wealth (if any) at every single moment. As a result, you are burning out as fast as a candle in the wind. To comfort you, I should debase myself to your level and "invite a few people to badmouth" you, the greatest critic of my articles. Very unfortunately, you are unqualified. When Wacky asked me to paint him as another idiot in my play, I told him:
"Sorry sugar, you are not qualified yet.
I am afraid that you have to distinguish yourself in one way or another.
Not everyone can have my attention, let alone being a part of my play.
For that, you have to be a representative of certain social phenomenon.
Sorry to let you down. Try to say something really stupid like the
professor or the girl in my play, then I may consider you as a minor part
of my next play. But to do that, you have to start writing in Chinese and
getting some fans for yourself. I don't think you can manage that."
The same applies to you, my dear sis. I don't remember you have ever written anything except short comments aimed to reveal some authors' real identities. If you call this "criticism", I will have no choice but to believe firmly that you are under drugs.
At any rate, your caste is too mean for me to condescend, for this I do feel terribly sorry. In short, given your low caste, poor taste and sheer lack of both intelligence and conscience, you stand no chance to "criticize" me, least to provoke me to "badmouth" you. Had it not been for your desperate begging that triggered my tender mercy and out-flowing compassion, I would not have disgraced myself so much as to have written this article. Alas, being humanitarian sometimes can mean being self-humiliated.
I hope this will cure your psychiatric problem once and for all. If not, please seek professional help.
A word to 2u2m:
I have changed my mind and do not want to post up the play anymore. I believe I have done enough to teach them a lesson. As I said, anyone with the minimal brain will no longer take them seriously after reading the play. So if I post it up, their "web lives" would be finished forever. I cannot bring myself to do that. It would be too cruel. I have had a bad conscience already. Anyway, thanks a lot for your help.
作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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