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 Play: The professor in the class (conclusion) |
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芦笛
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加入时间: 2004/02/14
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作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
Play: The professor in the class (conclusion)
芦笛
Flute:
Alright, I'll try my best to condescend. You've agreed hypocrites are also saints and the priest is a hypocrite, so he is a saint. Is this straight enough for you?
Professor:
Er... Let me see ... (long pause). Hmmm, I see what you mean. But I wasn't myself when I agreed that the priest was a hypocrite. He is not a hypocrite. Therefore, he is not a saint but a criminal.
Flute:
So what is he then? When a man says something so lofty, but does another thing so dirty, we call him a hypocrite, because he pretends to be someone he is not. Is that right?
Professor:
Hmmm I see. So the priest is not a hypocrite, he just pretends to be evil. He is a pretended criminal, a false criminal or a feigned criminal, if you like.
Flute:
What?! He is a pretended criminal, not a real one?
Professor:
Yes, that's right.
Flute:
You mean he should not be punished?
Professor:
I have never said that! You are putting words into my mouth again!
Flute:
So he should be punished?
Professor:
Yes.
Flute:
You mean, if you were the judge, you would punish feigned criminals?
Professor:
That's correct.
Flute:
Thank God you did not study laws! If you were a judge, you would consider it your duty to punish innocent people. What a nightmare! I must say I have learned the best lesson from you, my respectable professor, that is, stupidity is even more harmful than evilness!
Professor (furious):
I've never said I would punish innocent people! You are twisting my words and slandering me again! How could you be so evil!
Flute (becoming sarcastic):
What kind of evilness I am of, the real one or the pretended one?
Professor:
The pretended one. You are a pretended evil man!
Flute:
So I am not evil then, only pretending so. Is that right, Professor?
Professor:
Yes... Hmm... No! You are evil!
Flute:
But I am a pretended evil man. You have just said that, remember? So how can you call me evil man? If a man pretends to be someone, that means he is not that kind of person. Otherwise why should he pretend? If you pretend to be a professor, that means you are not a professor. A professor cannot pretend to be a professor, can he? So how can a pretended evil man be an evil man?
Professor:
Of course he is an evil man! To pretend is to be!
Flute:
You mean, all the actors in movies who play heroes are heroes and all the actors who play villains are villains?
Professor:
Of course not! What do you think I am: a three-years-old boy?
Flute:
But you have said that pretended heroes are heroes and pretended villains are villains, haven't you?
Professor:
Have I? I don't remember. (wiping sweat from his forehead, feeling dizzy, almost falling over, sitting down onto his chair)
Histupido:
Professor, I think you are really wonderful! What you have said is in line with the so-called dialectical logic established by Marx and Engles. Engles says: "Life is itself but also something else at the same moment". In essence, you've made the same discovery! My congratulations, Professor! You are certainly the most outstanding revolutionary philosopher of out times!
(Babidiot comes in)
Babidiot: Who is the most outstanding philosopher of our times?
Professor: Oh God, not again! (about to collapse)
Histupido:
The Professor! You see, he's just said the most wonderful words of dialectical logic: "to pretend is to be"! Isn't that wonderful!
Babidiot (excited):
Really? Oh Professor, I must kiss you as a gesture of my congratulations!
(She rushes to the Professor and kisses him on the cheeks then turns to Flute)
You lied to me. The new librarian is so short! Even shorter than myself!
Flute:
I am sorry. Perhaps he pretends to be short, therefore he is short. This is the new discovery made by our respectable professor. But I am sure his knowledge of Hegel is of the first class. Have you talked to him?
Babidiot:
Of course not! He is too short to deserve my attention. Oh Professor! Guess what? I saw Dr Link in the library! Didn't you criticize his population theory?
Flute:
Oh, we forgot that altogether! Professor, I still want to know whether a population would extinct if it decreased in a geometric order.
Professor:
Oh that, I forgot the original topic as well. Of course it would not! Did I use the stick to illustrate the math principle that a population can never extinct?
Flute:
But I told you that a man is not a stick and half a man is not a man, let alone a quarter. So what if there was only one man left? Would that mean the population would reach zero after his death?
Professor:
That would never happen!
Flute:
Why?
Professor:
Because long before that time came, people would keep f**king and thus increase the population!
Flute:
I thought your theory was based on the precondition that the population decreased in a geometric order. It was from this presumption that you started to prove that the population would never reach zero. So why are you violating the presumption now, professor?
Professor:
I haven't violated anything! It is those people who violate my theory! You just can't ban people from f**king, can you? I am only a math professor and f**king is NOT a math question!
Flute:
OK, let's pretend that we can forbid people from reproduction and thus the population would decrease in a geometric order throughout. Would the population reach zero?
Professor:
How can you pretend? You cannot really control people's reproduction!
Flute:
Why not? You said, "to pretend is to be". Based on this great theory, if you pretend to be God and make people lose their desires to reproduce, then all of this would come true, wouldn't it?
Professor:
I have never said that! You are making up my words again! I am sick of this indecent behavior!
Flute:
So what's the meaning of your theory "to pretend is to be" then, Professor. Does that mean simulation or mimicry or pipe dream is also reality?
Professor:
Hmm..., I..., well... eh... hmmm... (completely exhausted, almost fainting)
Babidiot:
Oh Professor! How much I love your theory; to pretend is to be! To be or not to be, that is the question. To pretend or to be, that is another question. To synthesize or to anesthetize, that is the third question. The first question regards the requirement for background noise. The second is proportional to the dose of sleeping pills. The third is related to the question as to whether the patient needs a plastic or a transplanted penis....
Professor:
Oh my God! Here it comes again! My God! (He falls onto the floor)
Student Wacky:
Professor! Are you all right? (rushing to the professor)
Histupido:
You petty-bourgeois! Chairman Mao teaches us: " There is bound to be sacrifice if we want to struggle. Therefore, loss of lives happens quite often." Why are you making such a fuss? Besides, he is only pretending.
Wacky:
He is not pretending! He is really dead! I cannot feel his pulse and he's not breathing! Somebody call 911!
Babidiot and Histupido (speaking at the same time):
Here comes the proof of the dialectical logic rules "to pretend is to be"!
(Curtain falls)
作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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