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 The professor in the class (2) |
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芦笛
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加入时间: 2004/02/14
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作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
The professor in the class (2)
芦笛
Student Flute (aghast, speechless for a long time before speaking again):
What?! I don't believe my ears! Did you say hypocrisy is also a virtue? Oh, God! Glories go to thou, omnipotent Lord! This world you created is certainly full of wonders! No mistake is too idiotic for a math professor to make! Oh, Lord!
Professor:
What?! You mean I am a fool?
Student Flute:
Please don't flatter yourself, Professor. Or should I call you Nuts Professor? Anyway, this is not my point. Did you just tell me that hypocrisy is also a virtue?
Professor (tremendously proud):
Yes, that's correct. Although this great discovery was initially made by Prophet Hootoo, I was the first professor who realized its great significance and has been propagating it ever since. Besides, I have proved this scientific law mathematically.
Student Flute:
So you mean if a priest goes rape girls around, he is still a saint?
Professor:
You are putting words into my mouth again! I have never said that!
Student Flute:
Of course not. Now I realize that you don't have the faintest idea of the intellectual way of debating. It's really my fault not taking into consideration your intellectual handicap. Let me try another approach. Professor, please allow me to ask you a very simple question: what do you call a priest who preaches all holy ethics in church at daytime and rapes girls at night?
Professor:
An evil man, I must say.
Student Flute:
Couldn't be truer. But, why do people call this kind of evil men hypocrites? Have you heard of it ? If you have, could you please tell me whether this name is correct or not? What's the meaning of hypocrite? Does it have some thing to do with hypocrisy, the virtue in your eyes?
Professor:
Er,... well,... eh... I... You...
Student Babidiot:
Excuse my interruption. I have been listening to your debate for a while. May I say both of you are correct. It is just that your angles are different. Great philosopher Descarte says: "I think, therefore I am", Hegel says: "thesis and antithesis then synthesis and hypothesis and garbage thesis and so forth compose the truth," The earth is suffering from constipation and the ass is tortured by verbal diarrhea. Constipation is a lack of inspiration that in turn lacks brain and therefore brainless idiot is God's bless. The universal movement in the universe can be dismantled into bowel movement and the noise of a flashing toilet. Hence, the purpose of life follows the sound of a loud fart which can be analyzed within the insight of an automobile in which a blonde backside contradicts antithesis. My words finish here and are extended into junk thesis as no stop is in sight and movement of bowels and intestines stimulate the expansion of Black Hole and therefore Big Bang tights up the belt of a pair of jeans......
Professor (greatly relieved, crying out):
That's right! She got it! She is certainly the most cleaver philosopher and greatest translator!
Student Flute:
What's right? What did she get? I don't understand a word of what she said. Could you tell me what she said is right, Professor?
Professor:
Er, this is very simple.... Eh, not so simple, but rather complicated. Let me repeat what she said to us. Oh, I am afraid my memory isn't very good. Could you please be kind enough to tell us what your point is, Babidiot?
Babidiot:
My point is thesis followed by antithesis and then by synthesis and then by hypothesis then by garbage thesis and by junk thesis then by brainlessness then by idiocy then by sausages then by synthesized penis....
Flute (waving his hand):
OK, stop! That's enough! I totally agree with you. Couldn't agree more. Look, Professor, she just said you were wrong and I was right. How could you fail to understand that philosophical doctrine? It's profound, and yet it is not difficult if you think very hard.
Professor (baffled):
Really? Are you sure? I don't remember she said I was wrong. (turning to Babidiot) Did you say that, darling?
Babidiot:
Buddha says that universal movement consists of a piece of frozen fart that evolves into entity that collides and fuses with a spoon of tea that dissipates into spirit of the universe defined by Hegel that breaks down into a brown bell with remote resemblance to a pool of nice bullshit that gives birth to materials that form the molecules within the backbone of an aging snail....
Professor:
Alright! Alright! You did say I was wrong. But I am afraid that it is you, not I, who is wrong!
Flute:
Professor, can we just ignore her for a moment? Have you ever talked to a friend in a train station? Under the circumstances, you would have to ignore all the noise surrounding you, wouldn't you? I am afraid the sole purpose of her being or her existence is to create some background noise. The quotation that "I think, therefore I am" is not always true. In many cases, it is "I make background noise, therefore I am".
Professor;
OK, let's come back to our discussion. Where were we? I remember we stopped at the synthesized penis, didn't we? (very puzzled) Strange! Why did we discuss synthesized penis? I cannot remember what the original subject was. I am not a chemistry professor. Why should I teach students how to make a plastic penis?
Flute:
I believe we were talking about a priest rapist.
Professor:
Yes! You are right! (confused again) But why does a rapist need a synthesized penis? If he needs one, does he still have the ability to commit this kind of crime? A plastic penis would not feel a thing, would it? (pondering for a long while, then speaking to the whole class)
Sorry, I am totally lost. I am sorry I have suddenly lost my ability to think. So why don't we take a break? Hopefully I will have my senses back when we start another lesson. Miss Babidiot, would you please be kind enough to keep silent? I just found that you have a special gift of making people lose their intelligence most effectively and efficiently.
Babidiot:
Professor, you are wrong! Being effective and being efficient are different. In Hebrew, these two words have antithesis that goes against materialization of atoms that form the dust inside Buddha's nails....
Professor (with both hands on his ears):
The class is dismissed! See you all in 10 minutes!
------------------------
Professor:
Sorry guys. Having taken ten minutes of rest and a bucket of thick coffee, I am afraid that my senses still haven't recovered completely. Miss Babidiot, could you please do us a great favor by not saying another word? Actually, you remind me of a Greek epic in which the heroes had to
block their ears. Otherwise if they had heard the voices of a group of singing goddesses, they would have gone mad straight away...
Bibidiot:
Professor, mythology and epics are different. In Arab, the two entities fuse to generate the atoms of a sinking ship that has an evil eye full of black flame that goes to gun barrel out of which grows political power that melts bugger with infinite dimensions...
Professor (shouting exasperatedly):
Will someone stop her? God! Why are thou so cruel?
Student Histupido:
Professor, you cannot give such an order. This is a free country and everyone is entitled to say anything, were it not to praise the communists or to say they could do something right even occasionally.
Flute:
Miss Babidiot, I have just heard that the new librarian is a tall and handsome guy who reads a lot of Hegel. He boasts that nobody can beat him in grasp of philosophical knowledge.
Babidiot:
Really? How very interesting and exciting! Professor, I do not feel well right now. Can I go out to have some fresh air?
Professor (enormously relieved, waving his hand non-stop):
Sure! Sure! Go! Go! Take your time! Don't hurry back! Don't come back at all if you can manage!
(Babidiot rushes out)
Flute:
Can we resume our discussion now, Professor ?
Professor:
Sure. The only problem is that I cannot remember what we were discussing. Every time I try to recall, the synthesized penis comes out of nowhere, then everything gets fuzzy and my brain is shrouded in the thickest fog. If I cannot drive it out of my brain, I'm afraid I will end up in an asylum.
(Holding his head with both hands, groaning)
God! I had never dreamed that this job could be this hard when I became professor. Neither had I ever dreamed that there could be such a powerful brain-destroyer hidden in this university!
Flute:
I am really sorry. You almost break my heart, though I don't think the loss is as great as you believe. After all, there wasn't much to destroy, was there? Can I remind you that we were discussing your great discovery that hypocrisy is also a virtue.
Professor:
Oh yes! That's right! Hypocrisy is also a virtue, isn't it?
Flute:
So you mean hypocrites are also saints?
Professor:
Yes, you may say that.
Flute:
Is the priest rapist that we discussed before a hypocrite?
Professor:
What rapist? Which one? The one with a plastic penis? Oh God! Here it comes again, the synthesized penis! I can never drive it out of my brain! It's just like that once a drop of ink falls onto a white sheet, the stain can never be removed!
Flute:
I am sorry. I should have avoided touching your mental trauma. Let me try another approach: Suppose that a priest preaches to public at daytime and sneaks out to rob passers-by at night. Would you call him a hypocrite?
Professor:
Why not? As long as he does not have a synthesized penis. Oh Lord, it comes back again! I am finished!
Flute:
So if he is a hypocrite, then he is personalization of hypocrisy. We know hypocrisy is a virtue. So it follows that he is personalization of a virtue. In other words, he is a virtuous man, not a criminal. Is that right?
Professor:
Aha! You are twisting my words again! I've never said he is not a criminal!
Flute:
But you have agreed he is a hypocrite, haven't you? Can you tell me where I twisted your words?
Professor (thinking very hard):
Where? Everywhere! You never put your thought in a straightforward way! It always goes zigzag. I hate that kind of way of thinking! I am a math professor, and the most beautiful thing is this world is straight lines. People should always think that way, not in the zigzag way like yours!
Flute:
Alright, I'll try my best to condescend. You've agreed hypocrites are also saints and the priest is a hypocrite, so he is a saint. Is this straight enough for you?
Professor:
Er... Let me see ... (long pause). Hmmm, I see what you mean. But I wasn't myself when I agreed that the priest was a hypocrite. He is not a hypocrite. Therefore, he is not a saint but a criminal.
Flute:
So what is he then? When a man says something so lofty, but does another thing so dirty, we call him a hypocrite, because he pretends to be someone he is not. Is that right?
Professor:
Hmmm I see. So the priest is not a hypocrite, he just pretends to be evil. He is a pretended criminal, a false criminal or a feigned criminal, if you like.
Flute:
What?! He is a pretended criminal, not a real one?
Professor:
Yes, that's right.
Flute:
You mean he should not be punished?
Professor:
I have never said that! You are putting words into my mouth again!
Flute:
So he should be punished?
Professor:
Yes.
Flute:
You mean, if you were the judge, you would punish feigned criminals?
Professor:
That's correct.
Flute:
Thank God you did not study laws! If you were a judge, you would consider it your duty to punish innocent people. What a nightmare! I must say I have learned the best lesson from you, my respectable professor, that is, stupidity is even more harmful than evilness!
Professor (furious):
I've never said I would punish innocent people! You are twisting my words and slandering me again! How could you be so evil!
Flute (becoming sarcastic):
What kind of evilness I am of, the real one or the pretended one?
Professor:
The pretended one. You are a pretended evil man!
Flute:
So I am not evil then, only pretending so. Is that right, Professor?
Professor:
Yes... Hmm... No! You are evil!
Flute:
But I am a pretended evil man. You have just said that, remember? So how can you call me evil man? If a man pretends to be someone, that means he is not that kind of person. Otherwise why should he pretend? If you pretend to be a professor, that means you are not a professor. A professor cannot pretend to be a professor, can he? So how can a pretended evil man be an evil man?
Professor:
Of course he is an evil man! To pretend is to be!
Flute:
You mean, all the actors in movies who play heroes are heroes and all the actors who play villains are villains?
Professor:
Of course not! What do you think I am: a three-years-old boy?
Flute:
But you have said that pretended heroes are heroes and pretended villains are villains, haven't you?
Professor:
Have I? I don't remember. (wiping sweat from his forehead, feeling dizzy, almost falling over, sitting down onto his chair)
Histupido:
Professor, I think you are really wonderful! What you have said is in line with the so-called dialectical logic established by Marx and Engles. Engles says: "Life is itself but also something else at the same moment". In essence, you've made the same discovery! My congratulations, Professor! You are certainly the most outstanding revolutionary philosopher of out times!
(Babidiot comes in)
Babidiot: Who is the most outstanding philosopher of our times?
Professor: Oh God, not again! (about to collapse)
Histupido:
The Professor! You see, he's just said the most wonderful words of dialectical logic: "to pretend is to be"! Isn't that wonderful!
Babidiot (excited):
Really? Oh Professor, I must kiss you as a gesture of my congratulations!
(She rushes to the Professor and kisses him on the cheeks then turns to Flute)
You lied to me. The new librarian is so short! Even shorter than myself!
Flute:
I am sorry. Perhaps he pretends to be short, therefore he is short. This is the new discovery made by our respectable professor. But I am sure his knowledge of Hegel is of the first class. Have you talked to him?
Babidiot:
Of course not! He is too short to deserve my attention. Oh Professor! Guess what? I saw Dr Link in the library! Didn't you criticize his population theory?
Flute:
Oh, we forgot that altogether! Professor, I still want to know whether a population would extinct if it decreased in a geometric order.
Professor:
Oh that, I forgot the original topic as well. Of course it would not! Did I use the stick to illustrate the math principle that a population can never extinct?
Flute:
But I told you that a man is not a stick and half a man is not a man, let alone a quarter. So what if there was only one man left? Would that mean the population would reach zero after his death?
Professor:
That would never happen!
Flute:
Why?
Professor:
Because long before that time came, people would keep f**king and thus increase the population!
Flute:
I thought your theory was based on the precondition that the population decreased in a geometric order. It was from this presumption that you started to prove that the population would never reach zero. So why are you violating the presumption now, professor?
Professor:
I haven't violated anything! It is those people who violate my theory! You just can't ban people from f**king, can you? I am only a math professor and f**king is NOT a math question!
Flute:
OK, let's pretend that we can forbid people from reproduction and thus the population would decrease in a geometric order throughout. Would the population reach zero?
Professor:
How can you pretend? You cannot really control people's reproduction!
Flute:
Why not? You said, "to pretend is to be". Based on this great theory, if you pretend to be God and make people lose their desires to reproduce, then all of this would come true, wouldn't it?
Professor:
I have never said that! You are making up my words again! I am sick of this indecent behavior!
Flute:
So what's the meaning of your theory "to pretend is to be" then, Professor. Does that mean simulation or mimicry or pipe dream is also reality?
Professor:
Hmm..., I..., well... eh... hmmm... (completely exhausted, almost fainting)
Babidiot:
Oh Professor! How much I love your theory; to pretend is to be! To be or not to be, that is the question. To pretend or to be, that is another question. To synthesize or to anesthetize, that is the third question. The first question regards the requirement for background noise. The second is
proportional to the dose of sleeping pills. The third is related to the question as to whether the patient needs a plastic or a transplanted penis....
Professor:
Oh my God! Here it comes again! My God! (He falls onto the floor)
Student Wacky:
Professor! Are you all right? (rushing to the professor)
Histupido:
You petty-bourgeois! Chairman Mao teaches us: " There is bound to be sacrifice if we want to struggle. Therefore, loss of lives happens quite often." Why are you making such a fuss? Besides, he is only pretending.
Wacky:
He is not pretending! He is really dead! I cannot feel his pulse and he's not breathing! Somebody call 911!
Babidiot and Histupido (speaking at the same time):
Here comes the proof of the dialectical logic rules "to pretend is to be"!
(Curtain falls)
作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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